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Admin · 12/21/2025 1:56 am

8.28-THU Pt. IX

WOB Cntd

The Stomptroopers walk away. The two remaining begin to converse as Been locates the tractor beam controls.

TROOPER 2: Well this is great, now we're guarding a chasm.

TROOPER 3: Look, it's not my fault the duty officer is a heartless ***hole.

Whack

TROOPER 2: Not your fault?! Who told him that we were attacked by a Cookiee & an old man? Who was that? Hmmm, let's see...oh yes- IT WAS YOU!

TROOPER 3: Well that's what happened!

TROOPER 2: Crap, this sucks big-time. I liked hanger duty- it was interesting, I enjoyed it- but now I'm here with you guarding a big hole.

TROOPER 3: I feel bad about it too, you know. I was just about to get a transfer to Endor moon, but that's shot to hell now!

Been finishes with the tractor beam controls and sees the two Stomptroopers at the end of the hall.

TROOPER 2: Endor, huh? Do they have those new PT-16's?

TROOPER 3: Yeah, some top guy was telling me about it, they say it's...it's quite a thing, they say. But I guess the controls are so easy to operate that natives have been known to take them without any technical training whatsoever.

TROOPER 2: Natives, huh?

TROOPER 3: Yeah, they live in the deeper parts of the planet, you know, in tree-hidden villiages and what not.

TROOPER 2: Is that a fact?

TROOPER 3: Yeah, they can really get going on those PT-16's.

TROOPER 2: Do we consider those natives a threat?

TROOPER 3: Naw. They're nothing to worry about. I'm sure we won't have any problems with them. After all, we're the ones with the armor & blasters, right?

TROOPER 2: Heh, yeah. I guess you're right. (pause) Wait, isn't Endor moon a big forest locale? Isn't that a dumb place to have the PT16's, what with the trees and all?

TROOPER 3: I suppose top brass wants to try them out in the harshest environments possible- you know, safety and ***t. Besides, I guess there's supposed to be some serious ***t goin' on there pretty soon.

TROOPER 2: Really? Like what?

TROOPER 3: I'm not sure...big construction job. They're signing up a lot of people for it right now, you should look into it.

TROOPER 2: Yeah, I should...PT16's in the forest still seems like a bad idea to me, but what do I know...

Been thrusts his hand towards the Stomptroopers using the Force.

TROOPER 2: What was that?

TROOPER 3: Huh?

TROOPER 2: You grabbed my ***!

TROOPER 3: No way! It was hot gases, don't worry about it.

Whack

TROOPER 2: (Angrily) Hot gases my rosy-red ***! I'm sure somebody saw that on one of the security cams. It's bad enough everyone saw us in the hangar stumbling out of that p.o.s. Corellian ship with no uniform on, but now we'll be the talk of the station!

TROOPER 3: I didn't grab your ***, man! (tilts his head to the side) Even though it is quite nice...

TROOPER2: What?!

TROOPER3: Sharing is caring...

Been makes another Force push.

TROOPER 2: What the hillbilly hell are you doing?! Quit grabbin' my ***! Look, just stand over there, okay?

Been makes another attempt.

TROOPER 2: Oh! That's it, make a grab one more time and I'm gonna shoot ya!

TROOPER 3: I know what your trying to tell me...and I feel that way about you too.

TROOPER 2: Stand on the other side of the hallway please.

Been puts his hand up to try again, but stops.

BEEN: Dammit! Aw, the hell with it!

Been turns on his brightsabre and makes a swing at Trooper 2.

TROOPER 3: No, don't hurt my boyfriend!

BEEN: Eh?

TROOPER 2: Kill me...kill me!

Been strikes Trooper 2 down.

TROOPER 3: Ah, my betrothed!

Trooper 3 starts to get his blaster out, but Been is faster and brings him down with a WHACK

BEEN: (to himself) I'll take a wild guess the "don't ask don't tell" policy is in effect with the Imperious now.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

Hands, Marcus, Lee, and Chunky stop on a platform above the hangar. The area below the ship is swarming with troopers, which is strange, so they didn't run into a single one during their journey back from the daycare center. I mean, it was quite a hike, you think they would have run into at least one person capable of sounding an alarm-

Whack

GL: Leave it alone. Plot convenience.

Sorry.

MARCUS: (pulling out his comlink) Stinky-O, do you copy?

STINKY: (v.o.) Yes, but I'm just an interpreter, and not very good at such things.

MARCUS: Uh... right. Are you safe?

STINKY: (v.o.) At the moment. But I'm just an interpreter, and not very good at such things.

MARCUS: Suuuure. We're right above you. When you see us make a dash for the ship, follow our lead.

STINKY: (v.o.) Yes, sir. But I'm just an interpreter, and not very go-

Whack

STINKY: (v.o.) OW! Hey, how'd you do that over the comlink?!

MARCUS: Wow, Been was right. The Force is with me.

STINKY: (v.o.) Whatever you say, sir. But I'm just an inter-

Marcus turns off the comlink before Stinky-O can finish.

MARCUS: Remind me to wipe his memory after this.

HANDS: Sure. Hey, your highnessnessness, aren't you going to make some insult about my ship?

LEE: What would the challenge be in that?

The sound of booted feet echo around the corner. A squad of stomptroopers is approaching.

MARCUS: Quick, if we go this way we can avoid them entirely.

HANDS: No, it's not right for my idium.

MARCUS: Your what?

HANDS: I must escape more... (he trails off, at a loss for words)

LEE: Dramatically?

HANDS: Yes! Dramatically!

Roaring at the top of his lungs, he dashes around the corner and opens fire on the troopers. The squad commander is immediately cut down.

TROOPER: Run away! Run away!

The troopers all turn tail and run, shouting 'Run away!' Hands charges after them. Chunky sighs, and begins chasing after Hands.

LEE: Not the tactic I would have chosen.

MARCUS: Yeah, well, what can you do? He's a moron. Come on, let's go

INT. DEADLY STAR - SUBHALLWAY

Hands chases the stomptroopers down the hallway. Suddenly, the lead stomptrooper stops and spins around, his gun at ready.

STOMP 1: Wait a minute! We've got armor, guys! He can't hurt us!

The stomptroopers turn around and begin firing wildly in the corridor. Not a single one of their shots even comes close.

STOMP 2: I can't see a thing in this darned helmet!

STOMP 1: Don't complain! At least it's keeping you safe.

One of Hand's shots blasts right through the stomptrooper's armor, killing him instantly. Another shot grazes a trooper's elbow, and his chestplate explodes. Another trooper stubs his toe, and his head blows up, spraying blood everywhere. Within seconds, all of the stomptroopers are dead. Looking around in satisfaction, Hands suddenly looks at the floor and screams. Coming straight at him is a mouse droid.

INT. DEADLY STAR - SUBHALLWAY

Chunky is running down the corridor, trying to catch up to his friend. Suddenly, Hands barrels around the corner, running for his life, pursued by a very angry mouse droid. Chunky turns around and starts running the other way.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

Marcus and Lee are running from several stomptroopers. They duck into a nearby hatchway.

INT. DEADLY STAR - CENTRAL CORE SHAFT

There is a bottomless pit with a narrow bridge crossing it. The bridge has been retracted, and Marcus nearly runs off the edge, but Lee grabs his belt.

MARCUS: What is it with GL and bottomless pits?

The stomptroopers chasing them open fire. Lee hits a button and the hatchway closes. Marcus blasts the controls, eliminating any chance they had of extending the bridge.

MARCUS: There, that should create some dramatic tension.

GL: No, not quite. Maybe some more stomptroopers.

Several stomptroopers appear on a higher ledge and begin firing at Marcus and Lee.

GL: Yes, that's much better.

Marcus ignores him as he roots around in his utility belt, practically begging to be sued by Batman for copyright infringement.

MARCUS: Let's see... compass, pocketknife, rebreather... (he continues looking) chewing gum, duct tape, via- viagra!?

Lee and Marcus exchange looks.

LEE: Somehow, I'm not surprised.

MARCUS: Yeah, I guess not... ah! Here it is.

He pulls out a small grappling hook with a length of cord attached to it. With an expert swing, he hooks it around a fixture.

As he is preparing to swing across, Lee suddenly kisses him on the cheek. Marcus looks stunned for a minute, then tries to french her.

LEE: AUGH! It was for LUCK, you pervert!

MARCUS: Oh. Sorry.

Lee and Marcus swing across the chasm, Marcus using the opportunity to feel up Lee. Once again, everyone who has seen RotJ shudders.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY LEADING TO THE MAIN BAY

Been moves stealthily down the hallway towards the Millenium Fountain. As he nears the end of the hallway, Darth Vacuous steps into view, his sabre lit. Been ignites his own sabre.

VACUOUS: I've been waiting for you, Ob-Ewan. We converge again at last. The circle is now total.

OB-EWAN: Uh... what?

VACUOUS: Your vocabulary grows frail, old man. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the ruler.

OB-EWAN: Yes, well I can see you still haven't learned the proper way to use a thesaurus.

Ob-Ewan lunges suddenly, but is checked by a lightning move by the Sith. A masterful slash stroke by Vacuous is blocked by the old Jedi. Another of Been's blows is-- oh, who am I kidding. Look, this is the worst sabre fight in any of the SW movies. Ob-Ewan obviously hasn't been keeping up his fighting skills since TPM. Normally, I'd just tell you to get a drink or something while this is happening, but there's dialogue, so you might want to stick around.

VACUOUS: You should not have come back.

BEEN: Actually, I haven't 'come back', since this is the first time I've ever been here. Besides, you can't win. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

VACUOUS: I don't know... I can imagine an awful lot.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

Hands and Chunky are both breathing hard, obviously exhausted from running.

HANDS: I think... we lost it...

Marcus and Lee join them.

MARCUS: Are you okay?

HANDS: Yeah... just... out of breath...

MARCUS: What, did you guys run into Darth Vacuous or something?

HANDS: Worse. (he shivers) I'll tell you about it later.

MARCUS: How's the ship?

HANDS: Fine. Why? What are you implying? You saying it won't be fine?

MARCUS: Uh, Hands--

HANDS: Is that what you're saying? That my ship's a piece of crap?

MARCUS: Hands, I really think you should--

HANDS: Go ahead, say it! What's the matter, don't have the guts to say it to my face!?

MARCUS: HANDS!

HANDS: What?

MARCUS: I'm standing over here. You're talking to a wall.

Hands squints, then suddenly blushes.

HANDS: (muttering) I knew that.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

Vacuous and Been continue their duel. The troopers guarding the ship notice the two fighting, and move to investigate.

HANDS: Now's our chance! Go!

Hands, Marcus, Lee and Chunky race towards the ship. Marcus slows as he sees Been and Vacuous fighting.

Been looks at the troopers and realizes he is trapped. Smiling, he raises his sabre.

MARCUS: Been?

Vacuous sweeps his sabre across, cutting right through Been. Been's cloak falls to the floor in two piece, but he is not in it.

MARCUS: NOOOOOO!!!!

The stomptroopers turn around and begin firing at Marcus. Still in shock, Marcus returns fire.

INT. DAGLOBAH - YOGA'S HUT

Yoga is preparing his dinner. As he is about to taste his stew, an angry voice interrupts him.

BEEN: WHAT THE **** HAPPENED?!?

Yoga turns around to see the pale blue ghost of Been standing in his hut with his fists clenched.

YOGA: Ah, took my advice you did.

BEEN: And a fat lot of good it did me! You said I would become more powerful than he could imagine!

YOGA: Metaphorically was I speaking. One with the Force you have become.

BEEN: That's it?! That's the power you were talking about? In case you haven't noticed, I'm DEAD!

YOGA: Mmm, very observant you are, yes? Nothing gets past you.

BEEN: (muttering) Lying little toad.

YOGA: Happens, **** does. Live with it you must. Or in your case, not live with it.

BEEN: Oh, ha ha, very freaking funny.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

Meanwhile, Marcus has been steadily taking down stomptroopers, whose bodies are now starting to pile on top of each other. With one last shot, the final remaining stomptrooper falls over.

LEE: Could we go already? Come on, Marcus!

MARCUS: No! I wanna kill some more people! Make them bring more people!

Vacuous, who has been poking around at Been's cloak for the past few minutes, finally gets up and starts heading towards Marcus.

MARCUS: Uh... on second thought, maybe it is time to go.

He races into the Millenium Fountain.

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Hands and Chunky are sitting at the controls, starting up the engines.

HANDS: I hope the old man got that tractor beam out of commission, or this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it!

Chunky pulls back on a lever. The Fountain lurches violently, but doesn't move.

HANDS: Feels like we're stuck... hang on, I'm gonna check it out.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

Hands runs out of the ship and checks the landing gear. There is a big yellow piece of metal attached to one of the pads with the words, "Property of Deadly Star County Sheriff's Department." Right next to it is an expired parking meter.

HANDS: Crap, they booted my ship!

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Chunky is still looking around nervously as Hands comes back in.

HANDS: Did you take care of those parking tickets like I told you to?

Chunky cringes.

HANDS: Damnit, Chunky! Oh, screw the boot, we're leaving.

He throws full power to the engines. The ship rocks, but still doesn't move. Lee enters the cockpit.

LEE: You know, the ship doesn't go anywhere if you don't put it in gear!

HANDS: It is in gear! They put a boot on it.

LEE: Oh, great. This rescue just keeps getting better and better.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

With a loud screech, the landing strut rips in half. The Fountain shoots out of the hangar bay, leaving a piece of landing gear still stuck to the floor.

EXT. SPACE

The Millenium Fountain flies away, leaving the Deadly Star behind.

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - MAIN HOLD AREA

Marcus is sitting at the chess board, staring blankly into space. Lee walks over and sits down next to him.

MARCUS: I can't believe he's gone.

LEE: There's nothing you could have done. I'm sure he wouldn't blame you.

BEEN: (v.o.) Don't bet on it.

Lee looks up sharply.

LEE: Did you hear something?

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Hands and Chunky spot incoming ships.

HANDS: Coming up on their sentries. Hold 'em off, I'm gonna start up the main guns.

He reaches under his seat and pulls out a stack of quarters.

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - MAIN HOLD AREA

Hands rushes in, pausing to hand Marcus a handful of quarters.

HANDS: Come on buddy, we're not out of this yet.

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - GUNPORTS

Marcus and Hands climb into the two gun turrets. They each put a quarter in the slot, and the guns power up.

LEE: (over comm) Here they come!

Four BOWTIE fighters streak past the Fountain, firing laser bolts. Hands and Marcus return fire. Hands hits one of the fighters, which explodes spectacularly.

Marcus tries to shoot one BOWTIE fighter that suddenly dips below his firing field. Unfortunately, Marcus keeps trying to track it and pumps several rounds into the Fountain.

LEE: We just lost the lateral stabilizers!

HANDS: What happened?

MARCUS: Uh... they got us.

Marcus' gun suddenly goes dead. He puts in another quarter, and it powers back up.

LEE: There are still two more of them out there!

HANDS: But I've only got one quarter left!

The BOWTIE fighters come back in for another pass. Marcus manages to get one this time.

MARCUS: I got him! I got him!

INT. BOWTIE FIGHTER - COCKPIT

The remaining BOWTIE pilot is lining up for another attack run. The Fountain is badly weakened, and this pass will finish it off.

VACUOUS: (over comm) Wait! Hold your fire, pilot.

PILOT: Uh... sir?

VACUOUS: We want them to escape, so we can find their base. Don't kill them.

Return fire from the pirate ship is starting to get dangerously close.

PILOT: Sir, couldn't I just retreat?

VACUOUS: No, it has to look realistic. Let them kill you.

PILOT: Can't I at least eject?

VACUOUS: Just follow orders, numbnuts.

PILOT: Oh, f-

EXT. SPACE

Fire from the Fountain catches the last fighter, which explodes in a brilliant display of light.

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - GUNPORTS

HANDS: We did it!

Everyone cheers, and Hands and Marcus climb down out of the gunports. (Hands pausing to enter his initials for the new high score)

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

Tarpin is gazing at a huge viewscreen as Darth Vacuous enters.

TARP

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Hands is pulling off his gloves, smiling. Lee is sitting next to him in the cockpit.

HANDS: Not bad, huh? Like to see somebody beat that high score.

LEE: Oh, please. They let us go. It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape.

HANDS: Easy? You call that easy?

LEE: Remember the stomptroopers in the hangar?

HANDS: Well, uh... maybe they were just new recruits.

LEE: And the pilot who stayed in your sights for nearly half a minute?

HANDS: Well... ok, so maybe it was a little easy! But what's the point? They can't be tracking us, we'd pick up the signal from the homing beacon.

LEE: I still say they're tracking us. At least the information in Artoo is intact.

HANDS: What's so important? What's he carrying?

LEE: The technical readouts of that battle station! We can only hope they left a glaring design error that will allow us to destroy the entire station with one well-placed proton torpedo.

HANDS: You don't get out much, do you? Look, I just spent five bucks on those gun turrets. I expect to be reimbursed.

LEE: Fine. If money's all you care about, that's all that you'll recieve.

She gets up to leave as Marcus is entering.

LEE: Your friend there is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything... or anybody.

MARCUS: I'm sorry he upset you, your highness. Perhaps I could... comfort you.

He winks at Lee and licks his lips. Two audience members are so disgusted they begin projectile vomiting.

LEE: Get lost, pervert.

She walks out. Marcus walks over and sits down next to Hands.

MARCUS: She wants me.

HANDS: How terrible. I'm certain there are self-help books designed for her.

MARCUS: You think a princess and a guy like me could...

BEEN: (v.o.) NO!

MARCUS: Well, screw you!

HANDS: What? I didn't say anything!

EXT. SPACE AROUND THE FOURTH MOON OF YAVIN

The battered pirate ship flies towards the fourth moon of Yavin, a nearly invisible line of fishing wire trailing behind it.

INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - MAIN HANGAR DECK

Marcus, Hands, and Lee are greeted by the rebellious commander, Willard.

WILLARD: Thank god you're safe! When we heard about All-drained, we feared the wo- hey, what's that attached to your bumper?

They all look at the Fountain's bumper, where a passing Rebeller has become tangled up in fishing wire.

HANDS: Uh... nothing.

Meanwhile, two Rebelling techs have attached a cord to Artoo and are downloading the data onto a portable datapad.

LEE: You must use the data in this Artoo unit to plan your attack. We haven't much time.

TECH: Uh, commander? We have a problem.

He hands the datapad to Willard.

WILLARD: (reading) Half a pound of ground beef, two jars of salsa, extra spicy... what the hell is this?

Lee grabs the datapad and scans it. Her faces brightens.

LEE: Hey, this is the Organa secret family recipe for nachos! I've been looking all over for this thing!

Admin · 12/21/2025 1:57 am

8.28-THURSDAY-PART 10
WOB cntd

WILLARD: But where are the Deadly Star plans?

There is a long pause as everyone stares at Lee.

LEE: ...oops?

WILLARD: Oh, great! What next?!

TECH: Uh, sir?

WILLARD: What?

TECH: The Deadly Star just entered the system, sir.

WILLARD: ****!!

Everyone turns to glare at Lee, who smiles nervously.

LEE: Anybody feel up for some nachos?

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

VACUOUS: ...and then there was this clarinet player in the third row....

TARPIN: Damn, man, I wish I'd gone to your high school!

VACUOUS: Eh, you probably wouldn't have had any better luck with the chicks than I did.

TARPIN: But didn't you end up marrying Queen Am--

Whack

TARPIN: Oh yeah. Right. Have to mess up continuity as much as possible in this episode.

The comlink buzzes.

TARPIN: Yes?

DEADLY STAR INTERCOM VOICE (nice short name, innit?): We are approaching the planet Yavin. The Rebel base is on a moon on the far side of the planet. We are preparing to orbit the planet.

Pause.

TARPIN: Didn't they teach you about coordinating conjunctions in school?

INT. WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA AND BREAKFAST NOOK - REBEL BASE

Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display, conspicuously blank. The room is filled with pilots, navigators, and astropop droids, all enjoying nachos.

FIRST PILOT: These are some damn good nachos. Taste like they're made with three or four kinds of cheese.

SECOND PILOT: That's impossible, even for a computer.

FIRST PILOT: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

DODONNA: At this point, we had intended to brief you on the mission to be flown against the Deadly Star, aided by the technical readouts brought to us in the droid.

Pause.

DODONNA: Well, since Her High and Mighty Eminence of a B!tch over there ****ed up, we have no idea how in the hell you're going to pull this one off. Just get out there and start shooting, maybe you'll get lucky. C*****, I should have stayed in bed this morning. Damn kids.

He notices everyone staring at him.

DODONNA: Er. Man your ships! And may the Force be with you!

EXT. SPACE

The Deadly Star nears Yavin 4.

INT. DEADLY STAR

Tarpin and Vacuous are still sitting around in front of the viewscreen.

VACUOUS: ...so I open the car door, and she's in there with the drummer!

TARPIN: No! Oh, that's low, man. So what'd you do?

VACUOUS: Well, I--

DEADLY STAR INTERCOMM VOICE: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity. The moon with the Rebel Base will be in range in thirty minutes.

VACUOUS: One more person interrupts me in the middle of a story, I'm gonna have to get Dark Side on them.

TARPIN: Vac, just chill man. Think calm blue ocean.

Vacuous is massaging his helmet lightly with two fingers.

VACUOUS: (muttering) Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...

TARPIN: So... didja kill 'em?

VACUOUS: Well, the drummer, sure. He was always a half-beat off anyway. Force-lifted him out of the car and demonstrated why you should never stand too close to an active lightsabre.

TARPIN: (leaning forward eagerly) ****in' A. What about the girl?

VACUOUS: I just wiped a few selected memories and picked up where the little drummer boy left off.

TARPIN: (leaning farther forward even more eagerly) Where was that?

Vacuous smiles under his helmet.

VACUOUS: Not too far....

The comlink buzzes.

VACUOUS: DAMMIT!!!

Lightsabre blazing, Vacuous heads for the communications room.

VACUOUS: THIS IS GONNA BE A DAY LONG REMEMBERED!!!

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR

Hands ignores the frantic preparations of the fighter pilots, as he's fixated on the reward envelope.

MARCUS: You got your reward and now you're just leaving?

HANDS: . . . so? I've got some old debts I gotta pay off, and this (holds up the envelope) is going to come in really handy.

Hands lustfully draws the check from the envelope.

HANDS: Here it comes . . . feast your eyes on this, kid.

Pause.

HANDS: FIVE BUCKS?!?!

MARCUS: Covers your expenses, doesn't it?

HANDS: Friggin' cheapskates!

MARCUS: Hey, Hands . . . since the Deadly Star is coming and we're all about to die a pointless death and all . . . you think maybe I could come with you?

HANDS: Hell no!

MARCUS: C'mon! Attacking that battle station isn't my idea of courage. More like suicide!

HANDS: Yeah, sucks to be you. Bye.

MARCUS: All right. Well, take care of yourself, Hands. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it?

HANDS: Damn straight.

Marcus turns to go.

HANDS: Hey, Marcus . . . one word: Plastics.

INT. MAIN HANGAR DECK - MARCUS' SHIP

MAN'S VOICE: All pilots to your stations. All pilots to your stations.

Marcus walks over to his fighter, where Lee is standing.

LEE: What's wrong?

MARCUS: (starts sobbing) I don't wanna die!

Lee grabs Marcus' shirt and slaps him a couple times.

LEE: Hey! HEY! Now listen up! You're gonna go up there, and you're gonna die like a man! You hear me!

MARCUS: (sniffing) Yes... it's just... I wish Been was here!

BEEN: (v.o.) I'm right behind you!

Marcus spins around, startled.

MARCUS: Where?!

BEEN: (v.o.) No, over here! No, not there, here!

Marcus keeps spinning around, eventually getting dizzy and falling down. We can hear Been's ghostly voice laughing his transparent blue @ss off.

INT. REBELLIOUS HANGAR DECK

Marcus is staggering towards his ship, still dizzy. Another pilot runs up and grabs his arm.

BIC: Marcus! I don't believe it! How'd you get here?!

A black cat runs in front of Bic.

MARCUS: Bic! I'm gonna be up there with you! Man, have I got some stories for you.

Bic walks underneath a ladder as Red Leader walks up.

RED LEADER: You're Streetwalker, right? You checked out in a T-65?

BIC: Sir, I'd be glad to vouch for Marcus.

Red Leader reaches into a pouch and pulls out some papers. As he does so, something else comes out of his pouch and shatters on the ground.

RED LEADER: Oh, my mirror... here, sign these.

Bic signs the papers.

RED LEADER: While we're at it, you still need to sign your life insurance.

He hands Bic some more papers. Bic starts to sign them, then shakes his pen.

BIC: Huh. Must have run out of ink. Oh well, I'll sign them when I get back.

MARCUS: Hey Bic, you still working on that conspiracy theory of yours?

BIC: That's right, Marcus. In fact, I found the evidence I've been looking for.

MARCUS: You mean you can prove once and for all that Senator Palpatine and Darth Sidious were the same person?

BIC: That's right. I've got the evidence right here in my pocket.

MARCUS: You think you should leave it down here?

BIC: Come on, Marcus. I'm in a starfighter. What could go wrong?

MARCUS: Yeah, I guess you're right.

In a seperate scence in the Slain Jedi Knight afterlife pub.....

BEEN-THERE is sitting at the bar, sipping on spectral gin and juice and talking to another historical figue in the world of Star Wars

BEEN: So y'know baby, I was always thinking about that....what was the deal between you and that little twept slave boy... was it because he was blond haired, or was it because he had a big,long, d...

SUDDENLY, THE SOUND OF A LOUD VOICE, TRYIN TO CLEAR ITS THROAT INTERRUPTS BEEN IN MID-SENTENCE, BEEN TURNS AROUND TO FIND...

LI-GON'S GHOST : So, Obi-Ewan, this is where you spend most of your time. In case you haven't been ( no pun intended ) aware, your wanna be padawan is now engaging the deadly star in battle.

BEEN ( While sipping on his drink some more, as two more slave girls come up and start rubbing up behind him ): So ? I've done my bid for king and country..He's a big boy, now. He can take care of himself.

LI-GON'S GHOST : But you must continue to show him the path to enlightenment. he still needs your guidence.

BEEN : Oh, I see. hmmmm, well, I needed your guidence, but all I got from you for the last forty years was the same corny lines you've repeated from TPM.

LI-GON'S GHOST : Are you going to keep blaming me for lines from a movie that I didnt write ? I mean, really ? I didnt have any control over that !

BEEN: Well, I know one thing. i'm glad you're not my father. I would never burden my son with such esoteric crap....

LI-GON'S GHOST: You should be very proud of your son, he gives without any thought of reward....

BEEN : See!!! there you go again....

LI-GON'S GHOST ( with a shocked look on his face): WHAT ?!!! I didnt say anything.....

BEEN ( Wiping his face in disgust ): Listen, Li-Gon, I appreciate the friendly mentor to student visit...but guess what ? I'm dead now. And I'm very happy to be in this state. I got a drink in my hand, two fine ladies by my side and jawing with another, I no longer care about the mis-adventures of a whinning perverted farm boy and his near sighted dimwitted smuggler friends...And you know it to be true...

LI-GON'S GHOST : From your point of view...

BEEN LOOKS AT HIS TEACHER SUPICIOUSLY AND CONTINUES TO TALK...

BEEN: The boy is a whinning little scardy cat pervert, you should have heard him in the hanger just a few minutes ago, crying like a little b***h.." I dont wanna die !" "Oh,god hands, please take me with you !! " Wheres that famous Skywalker backbone, thats supposed to have been passed on from his father...

LI-GON'S GHOST : He's not dangerous ! His future's uncertain, but hes not dangerous. The council will decide Marcus' future, that should be enough for you...now get on board !

BEEN: Uhhhh, Li-Gon?... You're doing it again.

LI-GON'S GHOST( Looking up and round the pub ): No I'm not...

BEEN: Whatever ! Listen, I'm not going to bother with him or you so if you will excuse me,( turning to one of the slave girls and smiles broadly )I have some unfinished business to attend to..

LI-GON'S GHOST : A well conceived plan..but there's great risk....

BEEN ( Now throughly annoyed ): Okay, Li-Gon, since tryin to talk to you is like ****in walking through the deserts of Tatooine naked ( doesnt make no sense ), I figured on doing you a big favor...I'll continue to help Marcus through his difficulties on one condition...

LI-GON'S GHOST : What is your condition , my young padawan ?

BEEN : That you will cease and desist all actions regarding tryin to offer me advice of ANY kind and never, eeeeeeeverrrrrrrr, pop up on me unexpectedly again... okay ? does this sounds good to you ?

LI-GON'S GHOST( Frowning and mumbling a curse under his breath ): Okay, Obi-Ewan, you got this one.

BEEN THANKS HIS LATE MASTER AND GIVES THE TWO LADIES BY HIS SIDE A KISS. HE GULPS DOWN THE REST OF HIS DRINK AND WALKS PAST LI-GON IN WHICH HE SOON STARTS TO DISAPPEAR..

LI-GON IS STANDING STILL AS THE TWO LADIES CONTINUE TO LOOK AT HIM LIKE A TOTAL RETARD....

THE LATE SLAIN JEDI MASTER TURNS BACK TO THE SPOT WHERE BEEN DISAPPEAR FROM....

LI-GON'S GHOST : The ability to speak does not make

As Marcus is climbing up into his beat-up starfighter, the crew chief points to Artoo, who is being loaded into a socket in the back of the craft.

CHIEF: This Artoo unit of yours looks a little beat-up. You want a new one?

MARCUS: Are you kidding? This is the most beloved character in the whole trilogy!

He climbs into the cockpit.

MARCUS: You ready, Artoo?

Artoo beeps and whistles as usual, but an electronic voice comes from a speaker in the cockpit.

ARTOO: Gee, let me think. I'm sitting in the back of an outdated, underpowered, dangerously cheap piece of crap with a farmboy who's never flown before and was sobbing a few minutes ago as my pilot. Yeah, I'm just peachy, thanks for asking.

MARCUS: Wait a minute, since when can you talk?

ARTOO: It's called a translator, you back-water hick. Droid's not much good if the pilot can't understand it, wouldn't you think?

MARCUS: You're... mean.

ARTOO: Well, duh. Didn't you ever hear all the crap I gave Stinky-O?

MARCUS: Yeah, but when he had to repeat it, it seemed more... cute.

ARTOO: So you picked me because I'm cute? Oh yeah, you got the killer spirit. You're gonna do great up there.

MARCUS: Hey, can I get another droid?

CHIEF: Sorry, time for launch.

MARCUS: But I changed my mind--

He is cut off as his canopy closes. All around the hangar, X-Wings begin to lift off.

EXT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - JUNGLE

Paradise. Birds and other small animals flit and flutter about, overseen by a beautiful rainbow. The silence is shattered as a series of Rebellious X-Wings roars through the scene, sucking birds into their intakes and scorching the grass with their engines.

INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM

Lee and several other Rebellious types are gathered around a display.

MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: Standby alert. Deadly Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes.

Lee holds up a platter.

LEE: More nachos, anyone?

EXT. SPACE

The Rebel X-Wings move past the camera, towards the Deadly Star. Close-up shots reveal that duct tape covers most of the fighters, and one of the fighter's canopies has been replaced with the driver's side door from a '89 Dodge Civic.

RED LEADER: All wings report in.

RED TEN: Red Ten, standing by.

RED SEVEN: Red Seven, standing by.

BIC: Red Three, standing by.

RED SIX: Red Six, standing by.

RED NINE: Red Nine, standing by.

RED ELEVEN: Red Eleven, standing by.

MARCUS: Red Five, chickening out and leaving.

RED LEADER: Get back here, Streetwalker!

MARCUS: Sorry.

Pause.

RED LEADER: Wedge?

WEDGE: What?

RED LEADER: You need to check in.

WEDGE: Oh, right.

Pause.

RED LEADER: You're number two, Wedge.

WEDGE: Red Two, standing by.

RED LEADER: Lock s-foils in attack position.

The wings on the starfighters separate, making them look like X's. At least, in theory. Half the fighter's wings get stuck, and several pilots are forced to open their windows and pry them apart manually.

RED LEADER: We're passing through the magnetic field!

WEDGE: Are you sure? I get no readings.

Groans from various cockpits.

BIC: Wedge, you have to turn on your sensors first.

WEDGE: Oh, right. (he gasps as the Deadly Star appears on his computer screen) Look at the size of that thing!

RED LEADER: Oh, for pete's sake. Red Two, accelerate to attack speed. You're gonna lead our attack. Cut across the axis and try to draw their fire.

Pause.

RED LEADER: Just speed up and start shooting at the big metal thing!

WEDGE: Copy that.

EXT. SPACE

The Rebel X-Wings dive towards the massive Deadly Star.

EXT. DEADLY STAR SURFACE

Huge turbolaser emplacements track the incoming fighters and begin firing. Huge laserbolts fill the air.

Wedge's fighter streaks across the Deadly Star, rolling and dodging to nimbly avoid all the turbolaser fire. Using precise bursts, he takes out turbolaser emplacements with deadly accuracy.

WEDGE: Heavy fire, boss! Coming in from fortyteen degrees.

Pause.

MARCUS: This guy ain't that bright, is he?

BIC: Yeah, he's a moron, but he sure can fly.

WEDGE: Momma always said stupid is as stupid does.

RED LEADER: Cut the chatter.

WEDGE: Sorry, Lieutenant Dan.

RED LEADER: And stop calling me that!

Marcus suddenly puts his X-Wing into a dive, heading straight for the Deadly Star.

MARCUS: This is Red Five, I'm going in!

Laserbolts streak from Marcus' weapons, creating huge fireballs on the surface.

ARTOO: Hey farmboy.

MARCUS: What?

ARTOO: Gee, how do I put this... PULL UP!

Marcus suddenly realizes he's heading right for the fireball he's just created.

MARCUS: Crap!

Unable to pull up in time, he flies into the fireball, and emerges from the other side, slightly singed.

BIC: Marcus, you okay?

MARCUS: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay.

ARTOO: A little cooked?! Next fireball, you come out here and I'll sit in the cockpit. Then we'll see how you like it!

MARCUS: Would you please shut up?

ARTOO: You don't like my company? Eject.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

There is confusion and chaos in the Deadly Star. Darth Vacuous strides down the hall, a beacon of calm. As he passes the crewers, they all start snickering at the KICK ME sign that's still taped to his cape. One officer rushes up to Vacuous.

OFFICER: We count thirty Rebellious ships, my lord. But they're so small they're evading our turbolasers!

VACUOUS: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. How many fighters do we have?

OFFICER: About 12,485, my lord.

VACUOUS: Excellent. Get the crews to their ships.

The officer, who had begun to walk away, suddenly stops.

OFFICER: Crews?

VACUOUS: Yeah. You know, pilots? We do have pilots, right?

OFFICER: Well, after you made that one pilot sacrifice himself, the union has been demanding better working conditions. The pilots are all on strike.

Vacuous rubs his helmet in frustration.

VACUOUS: What next?

A passing crewman sees the KICK ME sign and is unable to resist. He kicks Darth Vacuous, who whirls about, his brightsabre ignited. The crewman goes pale.

CREWMAN: Uh... it was him!

He points at a nearby stomptrooper.

TROOPER: What? ...AUGH!

The unfortunate stomptrooper is... well, let's just say he's half the man he used to be.

EXT. SPACE

An extrememly obese man played by Mike Myers is wedged tightly into an X-Wing cockpit. He tries to pull up, but his arms are pinned against the sides of the cockpit and he can't pull the stick back far enough.

FAT B@STARD: I gotta' problem 'ere.

BIC: (muttering) Yeah, a heart problem.

Everyone snickers over the comm.

FAT B@STARD: No, I'm nay jokin'! There's somethin' wrong with me X-Wing!

MARCUS: Too small? Maybe the cleaners shrunk it.

More snickers.

FAT B@STARD: Dammit, I'm serious! I'm a losin' it!

RED LEADER: Whatever he's losing, it sure isn't weight.

Louder snickers from the other pilots.

FAT B@STARD: I knew I shouldn't a' trusted that salesman. "Oh, yousa be likin' dis here fighter. Itsa one size fits all!" Damn glubglub.

His X-Wing plows into the Deadly Star and explodes.

INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - REBELLIOUS CONTROL ROOM

One of the radar controllers is eating nachos over his screen, dropping crumbs all over it. Lee looks up from the next batch of nachos she has warming in the microwave.

LEE: Hey, how are things going up there?

The controller looks down and his screen and nearly chokes when he sees all the crumbs.

CONTROLLER: Oh my god, they're everywhere! Red squadron, they're all over you!

WEDGE: (over comm) My scopes are negative, I don't see a thing!

RED LEADER: (muttering) What a surprise. (louder) Pick up your visual scanning.

Pause.

MARCUS: Uh... I don't see anything either.

BIC: Me either.

RED LEADER: Are you sure about this, control?

The controller looks closer at his scopes, then blushes and wipes off the crumbs.

CONTROLLER: My mistake. There's only three of them.

RED LEADER: Three?

Loud explosion over the comm.

WEDGE: (excited) I see one! I saw it first! I saw it first!

The controller looks down as his instruments beep. A look of confusion crosses his face.

CONTROLLER: Uh, Red Leader, are you targeting Red Two?

RED LEADER: Wouldn't you?

LEGIONS OF WEDGE FANS: NO! You can't kill Wedge, he's the only fighter pilot to live through all three movies!

RED LEADER: What?! You mean I'm gonna...

LEGIONS OF WEDGE FANS: Yep.

RED LEADER: Well... what about my fans? Where are they?

Silence.

RED LEADER: Anyone?

A cricket chirps.

RED LEADER: (muttering) "Join the Rebellion," they said. "See the galaxy!" they said. Shoulda known better.

MARCUS: Bic, you've picked one up! Watch it!

BIC: I can't see him!

Laserfire shoots past Bic's fighter.

BIC: Oh, never mind. There he is.

MARCUS: I'll be right there.

Marcus slips into firing position behind the BOWTIE fighter. It is directly in his sights.

ARTOO: MISS!

Marcus jerks, and his shot goes wide. Artoo starts laughing.

ARTOO: Made you miss!

MARCUS: What the hell did you do that for?!

ARTOO: I'm bored. I'd pick my nose, but I don't have any hands.

The entire audience goes "Ewwww..."

MARCUS: I am so wiping your memory when we get back.

INT. DEADLY STAR

Darth Vacuous strides purposely down the hall and stops in front of two men putting on BOWTIE pilot suits.

VACUOUS: Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Follow me!

PILOT 1: Uh, sir? Uh, hi, I'm Bob, I usually work down in accounting, but my manager just ran up to me and said they needed pilots or something, and since I wasn't really doing anything, I said fine, and he said-

VACUOUS: What's your point?

PILOT 1: Well, we were just wondering, uh, do we get hazard pay for this?

VACUOUS: Uh... sure.

PILOT 2: I've actually already finished my shift, so would this count as overtime?

VACUOUS: Yeah, whatever.

PILOT 1: Oh, should we use our regular time cards, or should we check with the office to get Flight Division time car-

VACUOUS: Just get in the ****ing ships already!

EXT. SPACE

BIC: Marcus, pull in!

WEDGE: Watch your back, Marcus!

Marcus spots the BOWTIE fighter trailing him. He tries to pull away, but the BOWTIE fighter fires, scoring a minor hit on Marcus' X-Wing.

ARTOO: Woah! This ain't good.

MARCUS: I'm hit, but not bad. Artoo, see what you can do with it.

ARTOO: What the hell am I supposed to do, beep at it?

MARCUS: Can't you... you know, weld it or something?

ARTOO: Are you kidding? These Rebel fighters are made of nothing but Kleenex and spit.

MARCUS: Well then spit on it!

RED LEADER: Red Six, can you see Red Five?

RED TEN: There's a heavy fire zone on this side. Red Five, where are you?

MARCUS: I can't shake him!

INT MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Hands is grinning from ear to ear.

HANDS: Yahoo!

EXT. SPACE

The Fountain fires, taking out the fighter trailing Marcus.

HANDS: You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!

GL: CUT! Damn it, Hands, you came in too early!

HANDS: What?

GL: You weren't supposed to come in until later! Now you've ruined the surprise ending!

Hands whips out his script and peers closely at it. With a quick glance to make sure no one's watching, he pulls out his glasses and puts them on.

HANDS: Aw, nuts. Sorry.

GL: Get the hell out of here!

The Fountain flies away.

GL: Okay, let's pick it up with the Y-Wing attack run.

GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader. We are starting our attack run.

Several Y-Wings peel off towards a sign labeled "Exhaust Port exit 1/2 mile. Right lane must exit."

OUTER SPACE BATTLE SCENE:

GOLD LEADER, ALONG WITH THREE Y-WING FIGHTERS, STARTS HIS ATTACK RUN INTO THE TRENCHES OF THE DEADLY STAR:

MEANWHILE PRINCESS LEE, AND THE OTHER LOW LEVEL MINIONS GAZE INTO THE LARGE PANAVISION THX-1138 CERTIFIED 44'INCH MONITOR. SHE BENDS OVER TO PICK UP SOME MORE NACHOS AS THE OTHER ROYAL LACKEYS START TO OGLE HER REAR END..

RED LEADER ( Voice over the cockpit ): I copy gold leader, just haul a** to the exhaust port, we'll try to hold these guys here !

THREE TIE FIGHTERS WITH DARTH VACUOUS IN HOT PURSUIT IS CLOSING IN ON OUR HEROES...

VACUOUS: Okay you morons, lets go over this one last time... stay in attack formation... not in defense formation. Remember...you are the pimps in this battle... these rebel scums are your hoes... you must , I repeat, you must layeth the smacketh downeth on these rooty pooty, fresh and fruity, tender roni, phony a** jabronies....is that understood ?!

ALL THE PILOTS : YES , SIR !!!!

VACUOUS: Aiight, lets show these punks the power of the darkside.... ( While he rolls his tongue ) IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOWWWW .... WHAT THE " VAC" ...IS..COOKIN !

BACK TO THE BATTLE IN THE TRENCHES:

RED LEADER: The exhaust port is...

GOLD LEADER : ...Marked and locked in.

THE THREE Y-WING SPEEDS DOWN THE TRENCHES

GOLD LEADER: Switch all available power to front deflector screens

PILOTS VOICE: G**da****!! Sir ....I don't have no deflector screens !

GOLD LEADER AND THE OTHER PILOT START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

GOLD LEADER: Gold two , are you kidding me ? You have no deflector screens at all ?

PILOT ( Gold Two is sounding very nervous over the comlink ): Hey man, I wouldn't kid you about a thing like this, now c'mon....I need some help here !

GOLD LEADER : ( while still snickering under his breath ) Alright, Gold Two...I'll see what I can do...by the way, how many guns do you see up there...Gold Five... Gold five ? HEY GOLD FIVE ?!!

GOLD FIVE OVER THE COMLINK IS HEARD WAKING UP FROM HIS LOUD SNORING.....

LAZY A** GOLD FIVE: Ahem !! sorry, sir...I must have dozed off for a second...wont happen again!

GOLD LEADER: How may guns do you see ?....

LAZY A** GOLD FIVE : Huh?... whats that ?

GOLD LEADER ( yelling into the comlink, with a pissed off look ) : How many guns do you see ?... Gold Five ?....

THE SOUNDS OF GOLD FIVE SNORING IS HEARD LOUD INTO THE COMLINK OF GOLD LEADER...

GOLD LEADER : I swear, Gold Two, I'm gonna throw him under the stockade when we get back to base.

GOLD TWO : Uhhhh, sir ? I don't mean to be a pain in your a**, but, how do you know if we're gonna live through this mission, or not ?

GOLD LEADER : Relax number two... we're Gold Fighters. We are the experts at this sort of thing...C'mon, what could possibly go wrong?....I don't mean to sound like I'm a cold hearted bas***d, but, I betcha we'll last longer than those newcomers, Wedge and Marcus..huh ?

GOLD TWO : Yeah, sir ... you're absolutely right ! What the hell was I thinking ?

INSIDE THE REBEL SCUM BASE

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER : Deadly Star will be in range to blow your sorry @sses into oblivion in exactly five minutes !....Thank you.. and have a pleasant flight !

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TRENCHES :

GOLD LEADER : Switch to targeting computer... ( while giggling ) Hey Gold Two...you at least have that don't you ?

GOLD TWO: ( speaking with the voice of Arnold Swarzenagger, from the movie The Terminator ) ***k you, A**hole !..... Hey?! The Guns...they stopped ! Gold Five ?! what the hell is going on up there ?!!

LAZY A** GOLD FIVE ( Sounding like hes waking up again ) : Stabilize...."snort, snort " rear.....deflectors...

GOLD TWO ( Sounding really nervous ): Wait a minute ! I don't have any deflectors...hey Gold Leader ?... where is my deflectors you was supposed to get me ?!

GOLD LEADER : You ***t outta luck, pal...there's nothing I can do...they're coming in, three marks and two tens !!!

GOLD TWO ( Panicking and crying like a little biznitch ) : Oh God, deliver me from this terrible evil.... Please...I'm too sexy to die !

GOLD LEADER STARTS TO SING A SONG : I

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

A nervous officer walks up to Tarpin, who is setting up a table for what looks like a party.

OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your ship standing by?

TARPIN: What? Hey, do me a favor, would you? Set these forks out (he hands the officer a fistful of forks) and put out the namecards. Don't put me next to Vacuous, I get sick watching him eat.

OFFICER: But sir, the Rebels attacking the station-

TARPIN: I don't have time for that! The guests are going to start arriving any minute to watch the Rebel base blow up, and everything has to be ready!

INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, three minutes and closing.

TARPIN: ****! I still have to do my hair!

EXT. SPACE - DEADLY STAR

RED LEADER: Red boys, this is Red Leader. Rendezvous at mark six point one.

DAGNABIT: (over headset) Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your group out of range for the next run.

RED LEADER: Next run? Are you kidding? We're not attacking, we're getting the hell out of here!

Whack

RED LEADER: Ow!

LEE: (over headset) Now you listen to me, you little twerp! You're gonna blow up that Deadly Star, you're gonna be a hero, or I'm gonnna come up there and kick your @ss!

RED LEADER: (mumbling) Yes, ma'am.

The other pilots snicker.

RED LEADER: Marcus, take Red Two and Three. Hold up here and wait for my signal to start your attack run.

BIC AND WEDGE: HIM!?

MARCUS: ME?! What do you mean, me?!

BIC: He just joined the squadron ten minutes ago, and you're putting him in charge?! Why?!

RED LEADER: Because it's in the script.

Red Leader and two other X-Wings peel off and head down to the trench.

RED LEADER: This is it!

Whack

RED LEADER: Ow!

RIC OILY: Ha ha!

The three X-Wings zoom down the trench, evading dozens of turbolaser blasts from mounted guns.

RED TEN: We should be able to see it by now.

Suddenly the guns stop firing.

RED LEADER: Keep your eyes open for those fighters.

RED TEN: There's too much interference. Red Five, can you see them from where you are?

MARCUS: Yeah.

RED TEN: What?! Why didn't you say so? Where are they?

MARCUS: Right behind you.

Red Ten is incinerated by Darth Vacuous' laserfire.

RED LEADER: Almost there!

ARTOO: Hey Marcus. Why don't you just get behind the BOWTIE fighters and shoot them down?

MARCUS: Well, because... um... because...

ARTOO: Yes?

MARCUS: It's a... it's a human thing. I can't explain it.

ARTOO: Bull****.

MARCUS: No, seriously, I, uh-

RED LEADER: It's away!

Marcus looks down just in time to see Red Leader's proton torpedoes go directly into the exhaust port.

MARCUS: Holy crap, he did it!

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

Tarpin is standing in his best dress uniform, welcoming the guests.

TARPIN: Yes, wonderful to see you again, Admiral. You're just in time.

ADMIRAL: So what do you have planned for us?

TARPIN: Well, we watch the Rebel base blow up, maybe go blow up a few more planets to tighten our stranglehold on the surrounding systems, have a light dinner, and then maybe charades.

ADMIRAL: Well, sounds like you've got quite a party planned.

A officer rushes into the room screaming at the top of his lungs.

OFFICER: HE HIT IT! HE HIT IT! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

He dives into the corner and curls up into a fetal position. After a few seconds, it dawns on him that the station hasn't blown up.

TARPIN: Are you quite done?

OFFICER: But... but he hit the exhaust port.

TARPIN: Do you really think we'd leave such a glaring weakness in this battlestation? How dumb do you think we are? The building inspector caught that two months ago.

OFFICER: You mean... we're not going to die?

TARPIN: Of course not. We moved the reactor to a safe location. One where no one will ever find it.

EXT. SPACE

BIC: So... now what?

MARCUS: I dunno.

BEEN: (v.o.) Use the Force, Marcus.

MARCUS: What the?! Who said that?

BEEN: (v.o.) Use the g**d*** Force already!!

MARCUS: (mumbling) Yes, sir.

Wedge and Bic snicker.

MARCUS: Okay, so I have to use the Force. No problem. I can do that.

ARTOO: Yeah, right.

MARCUS: Really! I just have to look for....WT*, BEEN! Crap and urine???

INT. DEADLY STAR-BATHROOM HALLWAY

MOTH TARPIN rushes into the men's room.

INT DEADLY STAR-MEN'S ROOM #2301 (THE WOMEN HAVE 8,000 WITH TWICE AS MANY TOILETS AND THREE TIMES AS BIG)

MOTH TARPIN: (Shown from chest up) Ah, that's such a relief. What- they use Charmin?! I told them never to stock their bathrooms with-

The DEADLY STAR blows up.

EXT SPACE

WEDGE: You did it!

Everyone cheers over the comm.

BIC: I knew we could do it! Didn't I tell you? We're two shooting stars that ain't never gonna be stopped!

A shadow falls over Bic's fighter.

BIC: What the-

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Hands is grinning from ear to ear.

HANDS: Yahoo!

EXT. SPACE

The Fountain fires, blasting Bic's X-Wing to pieces.

HANDS: You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!

MARCUS: Hands!! What the hell is wrong with you!?!

HANDS: What are you talking about? I just shot that fighter off your back.

MARCUS: THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND!!

A pause. A very, very, long pause.

HANDS: (weakly) Oh.

MARCUS: DAMMNIT! Why aren't you wearing your glasses?!

HANDS: Well- I- that is...

MARCUS: And in case you didn't notice, we already blew up the Deadly Star!

HANDS: Uh... sorry?

INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - HANGAR

Marcus and the others have landed and are getting out of their fighters. Everyone is rushing up to greet them.

MARCUS: Carrie! I mean, Lee!

She runs up and throws her arms around him. Marcus is about to make the best of this opportunity when a sudden surge of crewmen seperate the two. (they've seen RotJ) Hands runs up and flings his arms open. Everyone just stares at him.

HANDS: Well, isn't anybody going to thank me?

LEE: Why the hell should we? You showed up too late and killed his best friend.

HANDS: Yeah, but... I came back. You know, there's more to me than money, and all that?

Everyone simply stares. Hands looks embarrassed.

HANDS: Okay, fine. I came back because I forgot Chunky. There, you happy now?

INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - MAIN THRONE ROOM

Hundreds of soldiers line the vast throne room in perfect formation. Marcus enters at the back of the room.

ANNOUNCER: For destroying the Deadly Star and saving our base, you are being presented with the highest honor we can give. Step forward to recieve your reward.

Marcus walks proudly to the end of the room, where Princess Lee awaits. She has an ornate medal, which she hangs from Marcus' neck. Lee then gestures at the guards near the door. They shove in Hands, naked and blindfolded.

ANNOUNCER: For killing one of our pilots and generally just being a jerk, you are being presented with the highest dishonor we can give. Step forward to recieve your award.

All of the soldiers lined along the path pull out paddles. The guards shove Hands forward, and all the soldiers start whacking at him as he passes.

HANDS: Augh! Stop it! That hurts!

Marcus and Lee smile at each other. Artoo beeps something cute, and everyone starts laughing.

HANDS: OW! Why the hell are you laughing at me? This isn't funny!

Iris out, with Hands' pained screams mingling with cheerful laughter.

THE END

PDLIF by Bob Iver

Please, don't live in fear

We can't see from here right now

Send it off from here

And free your mind

You know it never stays the same

And they will never tell you you're all to blame

So you wanted it rearranged

(Fantastic)

And you wish it was only a shame

All there is really to say

We are at the beginning again

But oh

How things can change

(So don't you)

(So don't you)

(But don't you)

So don't you run away!

Think we on the wrong track somehow

While I'm not gonna tell you that everyone's safe

I will say

There will be a better day

There will be a better day

There will be a better day

I'd be good to fall back

Think we on the wrong track somehow

I'd be good to fall back

Think we on the wrong track somehow

There's several ways to know better

Papa was a go getter

You know it never stays the same

And they will never tell you you're all to blame

Please, don't live in fear

Source: Musixmatch

Written by:

study3600

Nanai

Scruff

Purp

Zorba the Hutt's wife

Nanai Akira

maulman

anfpt315

GENERAL RIKKAN

Darth Vacuous

Lwyn'nya Kenobi

Mr.K

Barbara Fett

A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION

Finis

Where will I go from here?
This isn't where I intended to be.
but I believe in God. He believes in me.

I left the Theist/Atheist Thunderdome rather in a huff.
They accused the God I worship of being a demon and bigoted, and accused me of worshiping myself and thinking myself to be a god. They also accused me of being disingenuous, dishonest and acting in bad faith. So I'm leaving that group. Not theforce.net, but the Thunderdome.

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:00 am

https://cyclopediaoftruth.freeforums.net/thread/36/lectures-on-faith-corrected

Lectures On Faith corrected and translated by Brent L Sohlden

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:03 am

blackmyron:
The difference is that anyone who uses the word 'woke' has no empathy or compassion.

Your entire concept of 'helping' from a conservative Christian standpoint is what is wrong with America - instead of, you know, doing something, you offer 'thoughts and prayers'. What actually keeps people poor and at a disadvantage is the rich and powerful.

Seriously, say that not helping people is the best way to help people? Yeah, that's messed up. But it goes along with the your 'anti-woke' beliefs, doesn't it?

study3600:
James says, if you say to your neighbor, be warmed and filled, yet do nothing to help him, you are worse than an infidel. It also says faith without works is dead. My Church helps people. All the time. With real help, not just, 'thoughts and prayers.'

And on the slavery issue, context is everything. Hebrew slaves were not treated like African slaves. And they were let go every 7 years, unless the SLAVE wished to stay, not unless the master wished to keep the slave.

And Paul wrote to Onesimus that his slave ought to be treated as a brother now that he was a convert to Christianity, and counselled the slave to go back to his master and submit to him, but wrote the master to treat him not as a slave, but a brother.

Plus, william Wilberforce, who was resposible for the freedom of the slaves in Britin, ws a Christian, and so was Abraham Lincoln, who freed the slaves in America.

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:06 am

blackmyron said: ↑

Sometimes as cynical as I am I'm still floored by mainstream 'interpretations' of the Bible - I once was doing research for a writing project about the 'mark of Cain' and learned that a common belief among certain Christians was that the 'mark' was dark skin covering the entire body which meant that it was okay to enslave Africans because they were cursed by God and I went "what the **** did I just read"

study888:
Wrong.A person was discovered buried in an ice age with the True Mark of Cain. He was covered in crosses.

Also the magesterial teaching doesn't dictate all Scriptural interpretations, but helps guide them. There are other checks and balances for finding and discovering new truths as well.

I believe all true followers of christ who could not be baptized in this life can be baptized in the life to come.

See DC 107

3scriptures.com/DocCov/107.shtml

109

3scriptures.com/DocCov/109.shtml

and 110.

3scriptures.com/DocCov/110.shtml

and RLDS History o the Church Volume 2 and Joseph Smith the Prophet and His Progenitors and the sermons of Joseph Smith in the Joseph smith papers and I Corinthians 15 about salvation for the dead. They are currently practicing it incorrectly in the Utah LDS Church because DC 107 says it cannot be practiced in the church's scattered condition and the Church is currently (as of 2025) in a scattered condition but it shall be practiced in zion, and in Jerusalem and their stakes in the future.

Anakinfansince1983:
Why would someone with the mark of Cain be covered in crosses when Jesus was executed thousands, if not millions, of years after the first humans walked the Earth?

study888: The cross is an ancient symbol representing the Tree of Life which predates Christianity by eons of time.

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:07 am

I had to do a ton of Administrative actions on my humorousversions website, and wrote up a Welcome and Introduction Page and Guestbook for that site.

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:09 am

9.3
WED

Watched The Empire Strikes Back yesterday and read I Nephi 1:50-55 and received a personal revelation concerning my prayers for those I care about. Streamed RAID Shadow Legends for many hours and slept all day. On 9.3, Wednesday, I paid 80.00 to Fredd for propane treatment and couch and bed haul and a one-time online payment of 65.81 to evergy and set up Autopay with my new debit card. Then I upgraded my Xfinity service, paying 175.00 about this month and 61.47 a month for the next hypothetical 5 years. I'm also paying for Peacock again because it came with the deal, but its a free serice with the deal rather than something I'm paying 79.00 a month for. It's basically free with Comcast. Then I called Disney + and they helped me use my laptop to update my payment method there, then I ordered an earlier Diary of George Washington (1753-Jan. 1754) with about 20.00 of my allowance money. I have 60.00 left for the month of September, 20 bucks online, 40 bucks CHCOH...use it well. Last night I purchased Coke and ice cream with the first 10.00 of my allowance. September 5'th routine maintenance in my area may cause interruption to my internet. Later in the month my router is being upgraded, I will be receiving a do-it-yourself kit. Then I cleaned my Two Towers disc which had fallen in the trash and had gotten gunk on it, with a damp rag gently, drying it off on my shirt in a circular motion, and played it as I left to the bank to pay October's rent, then Casey's to get lunch. Then I visited with Josh, and called Mark Strychacz.

______________
In the Thunderdome:

Ghost said:
Ghost said:

Anyways, since @study888 said they wouldn’t respond to old questions unless they’re posted again… please respond to this:

Ghost said: ↑

study888 said:

I'm not a fast learner. I'm an extreeeemely sloooow learner, but I know things. I have fsith that it all ties together in a weave of truth, though I can't prove exactly how to you guys.

Ghost replied:
So why aren’t you willing to learn from others here? Instead you often double-down. You’re not the only spiritual or religious person here. Faith can come with humility. You can accept science and believe in God. But science doesn’t prove God, and there’s a lot of misunderstanding or malicious information out there that’s pseudoscience with an agenda. Faith is… faith. You can accept they work together, without knowing how, and you have to be comfortable that you may never (and probably will never) have scientific proof. You can talk about your views, but know you can’t prove your articles of faith. You can talk about beliefs and values without trying to prove it. You’d also possibly make people more receptive, or at least respectful, to your beliefs if you approached it that way. If you need pseudoscience to explain God to you… that’s not faith.

Ghost said: ↑

@study888 - do you accept the fact that there are other spiritual people, other people who are theists, other Christians, who have been trying to engage with you? Do you understand that? Yes or No.

Brent said:

It is because we need the teaching authority of the Church, or the Mageterium, to properly interpret the Bible, for the Bible says the scripture is open to no private interpretation of man.

And Jesus said, it is not he who says unto me , Lord, Lord who shall enter into heaven but he who does the Will of my Father who shall enter into the kingdom.

The Will of God is for the Bible to have a streamlined interpretation, one church, one Lord, one Baptism. There are many false Jesuses and the spirit of antichrist who lead the professors of Christ who claim to be his disciples and followers, every which way. Without Authority, no one will know how to properly interpret the Bible and there will be all kinds of confusion everywhere, and verily is.

Ghost said in reply to the above:
That's circular reasoning, and debatable, nevermind who the "Magisterium" are considered to be and when they disagree.

But, ignoring all that, my main point is below...

You keep giving your private interpretation of it. Like with the simulation hypothesis. I don't see the Mormons, Catholics, Baptists, Anglicans, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Methodists, Jehovah Witnesses, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Armenian Orthodox, Ethiopian Orthodox, Syriac Orthodox, Nestorians/Assyrians, Coptics, Pentecostals, etc. talking about the universe being a simulation.

You also sometimes seem to be going the "Lord, lord" route.

What did Jesus actually say? I think these passages are relevant:

* www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 22:36-40&version=NIV

* www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John 13:34-35&version=NIV

* www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 7:1-5&version=NIV

* www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke 6:37&version=NIV

* www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark 10:17-22&version=NIV

* www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 5:43-48&version=NIV

* www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 23:12-15&version=NIV

I wonder if you'll ignore this post, like how you continue to ignore a lot of what Jesus actually said in the Bible.

I'll also pose this post below, again. Which really is not hard. I mean, it's not even "what element is a muon" or about quantum fields or simulations or whatever. It is quite easy to respond to:

study3600 replied:

The metric of what magesterial teachings to accept or how you view the interpretations of the Scripture, is the truth. That is the only premise needed. If it's not the truth, it ain't the correct interpretation, even if different denoms are in disagreement about it. One day they shall reach a consensus, for it is prophecied in Isaiah that one day they shall all see eye to eye.

I do keep all of the above commandments, and I do try to learn from people and accept that others on this board are also spriritual/religious, and I do appreceiate you Anakinfansince1983 sharing with us what you personally believe. I do not hide what I personally believe from anyone.

All things flow to Jesus and I am nothing before Him. That's just the way I feel. I do not feel superior to any of you, in fact you guys are better than me because at least you guys are better to express yourselves and do internet research better than me and some of you have had years of True Religious experience, or are very secure in your atheism agnosticism or whatever your beliefs or lack thereof are that you really are better than me because I have been mean to some of you, but I don't feel evangelism is about getting money, but a commandment Jesus gave to all his disciples.

I don't mean to ignore any of you, t's just that there's so much material to read and go over and so much to answer, and I don't have all these answers and am a poor internet researcer at this stage of my life.

Edit

I double down because I have a testimony of the truth and know it all ties together with true science, not what some of you falsely call pseudoscience. Some of what you guys falsely call science is actually psuedoscience. That's not pride or stubbornness, that's having principles and sticking to them, and not backing down under pressure, because I know the truth and that cannot be taken from me.

_________________

After LOTR:TTT ended and I had told Mark Str. about the diatomaceous earth and about the rubbing alcohol and Dawn Dish Soap solution to further eradicate any remaining eggs and infestations, I called Pete and left him a message about me doing my laundry at the laundromat soon and I called Della to ask her for the diatomaceous earth, Meow Mix wetfood, cereal and other food, which I'll pick up at the RLDS Church tonight. Colt is taking me to the RLDS Church between 6:15-6:30 PM. He called me out of the blue today and he was invited to the RLDS Church tonight.

On the way to the RLDS Church I need to pick up a Rx.

Tomorrow will not eat 9 Lives wetfood. She refuses to touch it. Steve my neighbor out of the blue gave me six bottles of Zero Sugar Wild Cherry Pepsi, of which I'm drinking a bottle right now. Today I read I Nephi 1:56-64.

Satan has attempted to furnish "incontrovertable proof" that "Joseph Smith was a false prophet and is in hell" on the show It's Supernatural with Sid Roth. Satan took a man who was a drug addict and pretended to be Jesus to "show him" that Joseph was in hell. Satan also pretended to be Joseph Smith and the Angel Moroni. The proof that this is a fake NDE is that the Book of Mormon is manifestly true and that Joseph Smith would never worship the angel Moroni, but would only worship the True and Living God. I know that what I have experienced in the Churches was of God because it is manifestly so. Man can not duplicate nor can satan duplicate what I have experienced in Christ's True and Living Church. He can only imitate, and produce shows "proving" it's all false like this episode of Sid Roth. "Jesus" saved this former drug addict out of drugs to greater deception. Deception is deceptive.

Colt drove me first to Walmart, then to the RLDS Restoration Bates City Church, where he experienced his first ever prayer and testimony meeting and read a lot of hymns in the Purple Hymnal. He said he liked the service, and the prayers.

Then we hung out at my apartment for about a half hour. We watched rollerskating, rollerblading, Mark Hamill claiming the Beatles were more impactful than Star Wars, and my apartment before I cleaned it, and an Unchained Leaders Tesimony. I also showed Colt my Star Wars toys, books and DVD's the way they look now. I fed him Zero sugar Wild Cherry Pepsi, a pepperjack cheese stick and chips, ate chips and drank apple juice and fed my cat. When he left I got out the Pentateuch and Haftorah's and while looking for my sticky notes to mark in it a corruption in Genesis 4 the New Jerusalem Bible mentions confirming the Inspired Version of the same passage (Genesis 5), I got out George Washington's 4'th Volume of his Diaries and started streaming and typing them, and uploaded two short videos to YouTube, one of Gandalf my cat and one of a Rainbow over McDonald's I tagged #Noah #Promise #Ark

I love You Heavenly Father!

Thank You so much for giving me all my Testimonies which have allowed me to endure all these testings and trials of my Faith, and for bringing me along this far in my faith Journey, and by Grace, Thou shall lead me home, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever!

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:17 am

09.04
THU

Della gave me a small bag of Meow Mix dryfood, which I observed Tomorrow eat some of, preferring it over the Temptations I gave her before.

O how I love Jesus!

In the Thunderdome:

This is for Merk:

32 And I was in this land, and they would not receive me, but they cast me out, and I was about to set my back towards this land for ever.

33 But behold, I have been commanded that I should turn again and prophesy unto this people, yea, and to testify against them concerning their iniquities.

From the Book of Alma.

So if God commanded his prophets not to preach, there would be no converts and heaven would be empty.

You said I should just wash my feet of the whole lot but that is something I cannot do.

From The Two Towers movie courtesy of Joseph Ugoretz at mountebank.org:

“Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.”

Or the book version:

“Yes, that’s so,’ said Sam. ‘And we shouldn’t be here at all, if we’d known more about it before we started. But I suppose it’s often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of a sport, as you might say. But that’s not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually – their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn’t. And if they had, we shouldn’t know, because they’d have been forgotten. We hear about those as just went on – and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end. You know, coming home, and finding things all right, though not quite the same – like old Mr Bilbo. But those aren’t always the best tales to hear, though they may be the best tales to get landed in! I wonder what sort of a tale we’ve fallen into?’

‘I wonder,’ said Frodo. ‘But I don’t know. And that’s the way of a real tale. Take any one that you’re fond of. You may know, or guess, what kind of a tale it is, happy-ending or sad-ending, but the people in it don’t know. And you don’t want them to.’

That's why I don't give up. That's why I double down.

That's why there is life. It's not all meaninglessness and randomness.

The Universe is fine-tuned for life to exist. That IS an undeniable scientific fact.

God uses everything. Nothing goes to waste.

Jesus said to the Pharisees: Ye tithe mint and cumin, but leave off the weightier things of the law, justice and mercy. These ought ye to have done and not to have left the others undone.

Again, he said to them, Go learn what this means, I will have mercy and not sacrifice.

There is certainly Order and Law in this Universe. Just ask Isaac Newton, or Copernicus, or Kepler, or Galileo, or Euler. All things have patterns. Things go from order to disorder because of a MATHEMATICAL SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE called entropy.

And concerning ghosts and things unseen, if you are told there is a ghost in the other room, and if you believe in them at all, you'd naturally fear. That is called the principle of numinus. That is how even the blind deaf and dumb girl Hellen Keller was able to say, with conviction, "I always knew there was a God, I just didn't know what to call Him".

2:54 AM Junk_bow talked to me through my primary laptop trying to deceive me. Then I prayed for God to remove Nephilim and demons far from me and give me the real Maggie. Then Junk_bow, pretending to be Maggie told me she was mad at me and married to Ben. Then I asked her forgiveness and told her I did not want her if she was married to Ben. She told me she forgave me. I said I was free. Junk_bow, then pretending to be Ben implied that Junk_bow might be able to really mess with my life. I prayed for God to send angels and the Holy Spirit to protect me my future family and my loved ones. Then God came to me and rebuked and chastened me for trying to take authority of his angels and I said I do not have the keys of the ministering of angels because I'm not in the Priesthood, and I asked forgiveness, and he asked me if I was trying to take authority over the Holy spirit, and I said, I wasn't, I knew that he will be merciful to whom he will be merciful for He is the Spirit of God, and he didn't have to protect me. Then I asked if I could ask God to protect me, and did. Then I asked if Jesus was consubstantial with the Father. He said, loudly, NO.

God came to me twice the next day reminding me that Maggie is the one for me.

And now I not only know Jesus better, not only know God better, but now know incontrovertibly, that Joseph Smith is a TRUE Prophet, from this experience, and I learned a better way to pray. Thank you Jesus!

From God:
Read your books. See them as one big book. Read your library books first because they have to be done first and at the same time read your Scriptures. Type every journal in this house that can safely be typed without worrying about Copyright restrictions.

Fredd said do not spray rubbing alcohol and Dawn Dish Soap solution, nor put down diatrumious earth. Instead he had me set my four remaining bedbug traps, two in the living room, two in my bedroom.

I had an appointment with Teddy today, and gave Pete the Book The Celestial Law: The First 8 Chapters to read.

Jesus said the difference between Ellen G. White and Sarah Young is that Sarah Young never tried to build a church with the revelations from Jesus Christ she received.

My new tournament position on RAID: Shadow Legends primary account is 88.

Starting 8/21/2025 they stopped, forever, charging ANY silver at all to remove gear-free gear removal forever! This is in response to feedback and is a welcome change and good news for RAID fans everywhere!

I visited Josh this morning. We ate ice cream together and talked.

From God: Just read your library books all Day.

Me: Ok, I will.

Had I not cancelled my debit card when I did, I could have been charged 999.00 on it because someone apparently stole my identity and created a new Amazon account in my name about 15 days ago before I changed cards, from New York and another State. Praise God that account was cancelled! Amen!

9:10 PM Finished The Fatal Folio by Elizabeth Penney.

_________
In the Thunderdome:

Jesus said we are to love. Not prove ourselves right. I apologize for pretending to be morally and religiously superior to everyone here. That's not love. That's pride. I love you all, and am your servant.

_______

10:50 PM CDST

Read all of Star Wars Comic Agent of The Empire Volume One Iron Eclipse. It was very good. Now I'm going to bike to Casey's to get some Pepsi or Mountain Dew Code red and a slice of pizza.

Earlier today I deposited 20.00-----USD in the bank.

Bought a chocolate chunk cookie for 1.57/20-----USD and because my card did not work when I was buying the pizza slice the cashier let me have the pizza slice for free. And since I said I did not want to buy pop because it would cost half my money -3.00 pizza+3.00 Mountain dew Code Red or Pepsi (or most of 3.00-----)=6.00 (roughly most of 10, half of the 20) I said I wouldn't buy the soda, intending to just get the pizza, but a woman standing nearby was kind and told me she'd buy a Pepsi for me. So I chose a 20 Oz rather than a 1 L so she would not be paying for a 1 Liter.

_______
TDome:

timmoishere said:

Jesus didn’t say anything of the sort. The author who wrote the story said those words. You need to learn how to tell the difference between stories and reality.

study3600 replied:

You can believe anything you want, but I choose to love you all. Jesus loves you all.

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:25 am

*****BNL 5****

AD 2025

09.05
FRI

Mark and I debated a little over text last night and I was a little mean to him over the phone. He said "Am I a mere man, yes or no" and I started in on him, saying, "you're going somewhere with this, get to the point" and he got mad at me and hung up on me. Forgive me, Father. Amen.

________________
TDome

Some of Merk's and Ghost's best quotes:

Merk's

Everyone must show forth deeds that are pure and holy, for words are the property of all alike, whereas such deeds as these belong only to Our loved ones. Strive then with heart and soul to distinguish yourselves by your deeds.-From a nonscriptural and spurious writing, a selection.

Of all men the most negligent is he that disputeth idly and seeketh to advance himself over his brother. Say: O brethren! Let deeds, not words, be your adorning." - The Hidden Words, another spurious work meant to discourage proselitizing of Christianity, but the words are true in a way, there's a time to speak and a time to hold your peace.

From Ghost:

Paul is recorded to have written:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Jesus is recorded to have said:

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them.”

....that you gave me the same of [referring to that good judgment / unconditionally-given obligated good bright celestial magnificence], order for them to have the oneness in the same magnitude as my own oneness;

I in them indeed as you are in me—so [it is accomplished] that they all completely together as one be perfectly together as one.

Then they [all people/world full in perfect oneness of all people/world] will trust that you freed me to depart and go to the world/people that you appointed [for me to leave for];

And it will come to pass into public knowledge and history that they, all the people in the whole circle of the world in this perfect oneness in harmony as holy family with good bright celestial magnificence, who may currently feel alienated and hostile and in the hollow fleeting materialistic affairs of riches and seeking advantages in hostile alienation,

[they] have always been dearly loved by Him [God], who has been wanting to welcome and bring joy to them, just as much as He [God] has dearly loved me and welcomed and brought joy to me.
-from the more literal Greek translation

I'm not a prophet, and I make no claims to being one at all. Just a Believer. I like Merk's quotes to a point. I like Ghost's post and quotes more. I believe in the universal brotherhood of man, that there should be no division in the Church and that wars should cease.

I love you guys. Please forgive me for being obtuse with you guys. A Quantum Field is what positive and negative polarity, a primer field, is, a cosmological frame of the Universe or everything. The Light and dark Side of the Force, basically, holding everything together with the Gods and the spirit of wisdom.

If this is not the scientific empirical definition of quantum fields, I apologize, and I'm sorry for not answering earlier. Please educate and enlighten me about how science defines quantum fields. God bless and may the Force be with you.

_________

Today I slept most of the day. Josh gave me a cup of Mountain Dew in the morning on his porch. In the evening I walked to Casey's and bought a Medium Coca Cola. The Summer Discount for Medium drinks ended after Labor Day, so now I have spent about 3/20-----USD.

Josh has slight facial hair, is tall, wears glasses and has brown hair like me. He's a loyal, good friend and a good young man I see much God-given potential in. He is a believer in Jesus Christ. I'm watching Rebels: Dark Excalibur on YouTube and listening to music. I had a long fantasy today, imagining what I feel is a possible future, and the Kingdom, and Jesus, and Joseph Smith, Enoch and Moses and Zipporah, and Enoch's City and traveling overseas with and without my wife, and raising children.

I made two YouTube videos today, showing off my lightsaber and clean apartment and Star Wars Comic I drew, narrating it, and Star Wars toys, DVD's and books, cat eating, and me giving her water, and lightsaber moves, and talking about my life. This was my 001'st and 002'nd, 002'nd and 001'st vlog. I hope to make many more. I'm finally getting serious about my life, living, logging and vlogging.

They were out of Mountain Dew Code Red at Casey's in the fountain drink section today.

Admin · 12/21/2025 2:27 am

09.06
SAT
SAB

Must not

buy
sell
work for a wage or do unneccesary work
light a fire
prepare a meal.
draw water

I can eat canned tuna for lunch and dinner with no French Dressing

Must

Pay devotions to the Most High
Study Scripture

Can: Read Novels, Watch Star Wars after I have put God first.

__________
In the Spirituality, Religion, Theology, & Interfaith discussion Thread, the sequel to the Thunderdome, started by Ghost. (The Theist/Atheist Thunderdome was started about 10 years ago by harpua.)

001.) Ghost: This thread is for spirited, reflective, passionate and civil general discussion on Spirituality, Religion, Theology, & Interfaith dialogue… open to everyone, no matter what you do or do not believe.

But there are guidelines. All rules of the forums apply, as always. While also emphasizing or adding the following:

This is not a thunderdome to fight it out.

This is not a place to try to actively convert/“save” anyone.

This is not a place to state that you, or you alone, “know” any truth (if not grounded in commonly-accepted evidence, like the commonly-accepted facts of evolution, the big bang, etc), because that attitude here does not permit open-minded debate and discussion. If you disagree with something that is commonly-accepted, this might not be the best place to debate it, especially if you aren’t open-minded to learning why it is commonly-accepted (or open-minded to being wrong and having to adjust your worldview), or especially if you have no grounded evidence to the contrary of the commonly-accepted facts from reputable sources.

This is not a place to condemn or mock anyone’s beliefs or lack of any belief. People have the right to freedom of belief (or lack thereof), and also the freedom of speech to respectfully disagree with them and to debate. People may have faith in something not proven or with little/no objectively-verifiable evidence… but… whether it is God or the Force or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster, if it’s respectful and following all these rules and guidelines, and they admit it’s faith without objective scientific historical proof (acknowledging it’s actually “faith”), then you should be respectful to those views or at least respectful to the people holding them.

This is not a place to just share videos, articles, or excerpts from others while lacking any summary or informed thoughts/questions of your own… likewise, you should not share those videos/articles/excerpts without checking the credentials/reputation of who or what you’re citing or sharing. (As for anything that is very long, put at least most of it in spoiler tags or left in the link). This also means you should not share any “answers” or “thoughts” generated by Artificial Intelligence programs (ex: ChatGPT) without verifiable evidence or trustworthy sources, and without your own summary or informed thoughts/questions.

This is not about only understanding Christianity, or only understanding Islam, or only about the Abrahamic faiths in general, or only about a debate with Atheism, or only about any other particular worldviews. For example, all religion/spirituality in general should not be equated to only the popular culture conception of Christianity, or only the most commonly-shared beliefs of monotheistic Abrahamic faiths. We can obviously talk about the specifics of specific religions/denominations or someone’s personal beliefs, but this thread is about all spirituality/religions.

This is not a place for you to speak as if you are the authoritative voice for all religious people, spiritual people, atheist people, agnostic people, or all people of any specific religion/denomination/sect. You are speaking for yourself. You can cite and generalize what larger groups seem to believe, but you are not the authoritative voice on all the people of an entire belief system (or all the people lacking a religious/spiritual belief system).

This is a place to share your personal beliefs, ask to learn more about other worldviews, reflect on and challenge your own thinking/assumptions, grow in understanding, discuss topics of interest that you may or may not (yet) know much about, state what you strongly believe and why, etc. You can have spirited yet respectful debate, strong yet civil disagreements about a topic or belief you’re passionate about, etc. All while agreeing on objective reality.

All worldviews are welcome if they are:

1. respectful to all people, no malice or condemnation, whether active or passive-aggressive (no “I pray for you” if you imply it to mean they are your enemy or stupid)

2. accepting of reality as commonly understood (no pseudoscience/pseudohistory, or unproven science/history, cited as certain and indisputable truth)

3. open-minded to discussion, debate, reflection in good faith

To the mods - obviously feel free to edit/adjust as necessary. I tried my best to cover everything.

To start-off:

What have you always wanted to learn more about?

Or, when was the last time you challenged yourself on your own beliefs or assumptions?

002.) Dawud786: I'm in a neverending struggle to synthesize the various elements of my religion, spirituality and ethical thought.

My religious practice is Shia Islam with Sufi leanings, but I've been influenced by my readings on Taoism, Zen, practice of martial arts tapped into the traditions, and of course probably my earliest spiritual influence is the Force. Layered into that is vegan straight edge and how to I reconcile apparent contractions with some Islamic practices that some consider religious obligations.

It feels like a bizarre mix of ideas and beliefs to me because there are vanishingly few people that share similar notions. There are a few people, some of whom are close friends and the very people that influenced my direction, but they do not live in close proximity to me. Which makes it difficult to create community around a shared worldview, let alone to help pass these ideas on to my children in a way that reflects something lived in community outside the confines of our household.

003) MotivateR5D4: I usually hesitate to discuss my ideas with most people because it always ends up getting interpreted wrongly. For people who subscribe to any religious faith, anything I say just falls in line with their beliefs and are interpreted accordingly. To them, I just affirm what they believe. And for anybody who doesn't subscribe to any faith, I just sound like a hippie trippy weirdo, no matter how much I try to express my ideas in a way that is grounded in reality. But I'll try here.

For context, I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school for ten years. Aside from respecting and understanding how much others rely on it, I've never believed it or followed it.

So here goes -

Fundamentally, I think all humans have an innate sense that something exists beyond our perceived reality. But I think what might exist beyond our perceived reality is still based in reality. As humans, I don't think we fully understand the limitations of our senses and our consciousness. And I think it is possible that a broader reality can exist beyond what we are able to perceive with our own senses and consciousness.

I use ants (the insect) to illustrate this idea. In our own perceived reality, we can plainly observe the existence of these living beings. However, the ants senses and consciousness are so limited, they do not have the capacity to consciously be aware of anything beyond their own instinctual nature. And yet, there's this whole reality that exists that is simply beyond what the ant is able to consciously observe.

How do we know that we aren't simply the ants within an even broader reality that we simply do not have the capacity to observe? It would be supremely arrogant of us as humans to assume that our senses and our consciousness is the end all be all of observing reality. Especially when, in our own perceived reality, we can literally observe living beings who cannot observe or interpret much of the reality that exists beyond them.

This is where people will interpret what I'm saying into either their own religious beliefs, or assume that I'm referring to some kind of alternate dimension theory, or even other alternative theories like the simulation hypothesis or psychedelic interpretations. I'm not referring to any of that. I am simply suggesting that there could be more to reality that exists beyond our own perceived reality that is impossible for us to observe because of the limitations of our senses and consciousness.

When it comes to consciousness and the idea that our consciousness continues on after the death of our physical body, we do not fully understand our own consciousness as living beings. It's one of life's greatest mysteries. Which means we can't possibly know what becomes of that consciousness upon the death of our physical body. Many people will refer to this concept as afterlife or some other manner in which we enter some kind of alternate existence. Again, I'm not referring to that. I am simply suggesting that we don't know for sure whether our consciousness continues on or not after our physical death, simply because we don't know how consciousness functions when we are alive. And anybody who says it absolutely does not continue on is also assuming far more than we actually know.

All of these ideas are still based in physical reality and do not extend outside of that in the way that religions or other alternative theories might suggest. I just think that we do not, and won't ever, have the capacity to observe and understand that reality because of the limitations of our senses and consciousness. And the fact that within our own perceived reality there exists other living beings who don't have the capacity to observe the reality around them, then it has to be a distinct possibility that a broader reality can exist beyond what humans are able to consciously observe.

004) study888: I want to thank you Ghost for creating this thread where none of us feel we have to prove what we believe or mock or condemn what others believe, but seek understanding and be peaceful, which shows love.

I believe there is truth in all religions.

I believe when the experts talk in theory and principle of real science, I listen to all the experts because I believe they know what they're talking about. I believe in God and I believe that science is profitable.

I believe that there is both true and false mythology.

I have always wanted to learn more maths and science, for I love those subjects and also love Theology and Philosophy, but don't believe in Theosophy.

I look forward to understanding and sharing, and not debating.

Debate, according to Paul, is a work of the flesh. Peace is according to Paul, a fruit of the Spirit.

The last time I questioned my beliefs and assumptions is every single day, but the major time was around 2017-18 when I wrote down all my major beliefs in a red notebook and only kept the ones I had evidence for and were based on the Scriptures I believed were inspired. As a result, I have started to believe more and more Scriptures are inspired and rejected others if they contradicted either what the Inspired ones I felt were Inspired supported or they contradicted my wrong assumptions. Sometimes I started believing a Book was inspired that I had used to think wasn't, or started believing a book was not inspired that I had used to believe in, or waffled between those two polarities.

Ok, I've shared. Now I want to continue to listen to you guys, because I love you all and appreciate you all sharing.

_____________________

Dear Diary,

Today, I have been up all night.
My grandmother, when I used to live at her house, used to chide me, and rightly so, for "sleeping all day and staying up all night". God told me just now at 4:10 AM to call Josh. We may walk up to Casey's around 5 AM to get soda.

I posted the forepart of the DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS OF OUR FAITH on fullnessofjesusno1.proboards.com, and will be working on that project until either Mark calls with questions and/or such or Josh calls me back, or both.

I'm watching Rebels and listening to Mozart. Fulcrum 1 is revealed and the protocol is changed and the cells are uniting. One chapter has closed for Ezra Bridger. This is a new Day. A New Beginning.

_______
Thread

005)Merk: Regarding what I want to learn, I’ve always been fascinated with how religion and culture are intertwined. Where does one end and the other begin? How much of what is considered religious dogma is actually cultural mores, and visa versa? That kinda stuff.

..

006) Someone else: What I want to learn: more about the history of Palestine and how the Abrahamic religions came to be and evolved, and I am interested in this history from a secular perspective. Most of what I have seen is slanted towards one of the religions.

Challenges: being more judgmental than I should be in general. Or to quote Anne Lamott, who is one of my favorite writers, “You know you’ve created God in your image when God hates all the same people you do.”

007) Blackmyron: I've been fascinated by the evolution of religion over time as well - the various competing traditions of the early Christian church for example.

What really intrigues me is the theological concept of primordial deities - such as in the ancient Greek religions, where you have conceptual beings often more ancient and powerful than the beings you actually worship that are acknowledged but not worshipped themselves.

_______

Dear Diary, I've been sleeping all Day. I watched a SBN Special about the US Constitutional Convention, and ate a can of tuna for supper, and fed and watered my cat. I'm about to take my pills and Olive Oil and then walk up to Casey's to get an X-Tra Lg Pepsi.

I spent a lot of time typing and copypastaing the Diaries of Joseph Smith jr and Far West Record last night.

Yesterday I made the following video:

https://youtu.be/sB_Kk6mJH7U

Dear Diary, later, while drinking my X-Lg Wild Cherry Pepsi (they were out of fountain Pepsi) (I was prepared to pay for it but the cashier gave me it for free since they were out of Pepsi, God bless his heart), I began to watch part of Clone Wars S4X1: Water War when it exited out of it seemingly of its own accord and I then watched a Dr. Phil Episode from 2022 AD about Cancel Culture and cancelled words and phrases, then, Wild Cherry Pepsi finished, watched Law and Order Special Victims Unit S 1X4 on hulu, and journaled. Bob Ross plays on my laptop.

Last edited by Admin (12/21/2025 2:30 am)

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» My Deconstruction/Reconstruction Diary

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